|Paleo FX 2014 - Our Flaws Are Our Trophies|
This post is about the direction that I am taking Primal Balance. I've had some incredible breakthroughs in my life the last few years. I think it's time that I share some of those. This blog has always been about my journey in the primal lifestyle. I created it three years ago as a way to share my experiences of switching to a Paleo diet, fitness, nutritional therapy training, but most of all trying to balance my brain. I have always struggled with being manic depressive. Chemical imbalances run through my family like brown hair does. I feel like a lot of people will relate with me here but we have so much shame about mental illness and so much judgment about the treatment of it that very few people in the Paleo community will talk about it without condemning others' choices on how to handle it. Those of us who face it stay in the closet for fear of being ostracized.
So this is me being the voice for those of you who haven't found yours yet, but I know you will in your own time. Maybe I'll lose credibility, but honestly I think that those of you who need to hear this will embrace my story and support me through this. Two years ago, I was white knuckling it. I'd been Paleo for a year. My hormones were a disaster and with the help of Robb Wolf and his super podcast I got those straightened out, but my mood swings were only getting worse and my emotional turmoil was spiraling. I was going through intensive therapy that was helping me but the chemical ups and downs were blocking my growth. I tried to Paleo harder. I tried a ketogenic diet which made me utterly miserable. I did sugar detoxes that helped at least temporarily but didn't offer long term solutions. I had shame that I wasn't doing this lifestyle right. Because if I was, I wouldn't be such an emotional wreck.
You see I had a difficult childhood and I know for sure I'm not alone in this. I didn't know how to cope, so at 11 years old I developed a phobia of choking which turned into anorexia. Then when I was 15 I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol so I used those until I became a serious drug addict by the age of 21. It was all control mechanisms to avoid hurt and have some control over a young girl’s life that was completely out of control. I found myself in a 12 step program and while I easily got clean, for the first time I was feeling the disgusting pain of my life. I don't even know if there was one shred of light inside of me. I just felt black on the inside. I had a successful radio career with a well-known morning show on a popular station. But I spent most of my time fantasizing about suicide and escaping pain through caffeine, unhealthy food, cigarettes, and men. During that first sober year I was wrongly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and put on medication that only created a dependency on more drugs and caused me to be manic for two years straight.
When I got pregnant with my first daughter, I weaned off the meds and vowed to never use medication for my mental wellbeing again. Fortunately through my pregnancies and years of breastfeeding I found stability, but as soon as I wasn't pregnant or nursing I couldn't cope. I've always been high functioning, putting on the pretty face that I had my sh*t together. It was never hard for me to fake it because I was such a perfectionist that I spent my life trying to make people think I was...well...perfect.
Exactly two years ago I go to a family reunion. I get completely triggered by old, old, old abandonment that courses through my veins thicker than the blood inside of them. I was correctly diagnosed at that time and had an understanding therapist who supported my stance on using medication. She was trying very hard to help me cope without it. After the family reunion I came home suicidal. For the first time in a while and I knew that I could not live this way anymore. My children deserved better, my husband deserved better, and most of all—dammit!—I deserved better.
So I made an appointment with a psychiatrist who is the most gentle, supportive man I could have ever asked for. He listened to my concerns. He nurtured me in a way I didn't expect. He told me the story about Ted Turner in Atlanta who owns the Braves and all those tv stations and his journey through mental illness and finding success after he got medicated. I felt hope for the first time...maybe ever. The doctor found the right medication for me and I'm not exaggerating when I say, by the next day, my life changed. There were no side effects, I was still me, I wasn't addicted to the pills, I could actually do the work on my emotions without the chemical stuff holding me back. My husband fell in love with me all over again because he could finally see who I really might be. I started healing relationships with people I didn't think possible. Most of all...myself.
I learned to love myself. Through this journey I let go of control, jealousy, attachment, and I found freedom. I worked really hard. I'm not giving the medication all the credit here but it certainly deserves some of it. I do not believe that being medicated is right for everyone but I am tired of the judgment in this community about it. A few months after I started taking it, I was sharing a room with a beautiful young woman I'd just met at a Paleo conference. I had not yet told anyone in the Paleo world about my secret so I told her and she was so accepting. And told me that she knew someone close to her that was much like me and that she hoped one day I would come out of the closet so that maybe I could help others. Eris, I've never forgotten that conversation. You've been my inspiration to work up the courage to write this post all of these years.
I've made it a point to tell more people my "secret" lately as I've preached to y'all that shame can't live in the dark. It's definitely not a secret now and I'm proud of it actually. The beautiful thing is, lots of people in this community are going through exactly the same thing and once I got brave enough to share with them what I was going through they said they were going through it too. I know when I give a talk and women are in the audience crying because they can relate to my story, that I've made all of the right choices on this journey. I want to empower you to be who you truly are and I want you to make choices that are right for you and not based off the judgments of others. I want you to heal and live a joyful, fulfilling, and balanced life.
The direction of this blog will continue to move into a platform of empowerment and motivation. I want to talk about relationships and trauma and all that stuff that keeps us small. I hope you'll continue to join me on this journey of healing and finding self love…together.